I was having a conversation with one of our leaders recently, and they said something that I have been thinking about A LOT since.

"I don't want to be demanding."

And I said, “Why WOULDN’T you want to be demanding of the people on your team??”

Without being demanding, we don't get people to be better. We don't require them to show up at their best.

As we talked, I realized that it wasn't that they didn't want to be demanding. It was that they had confused two completely different words: demanding and demeaning.

They didn't want to make people feel BAD about their performance, put them down, or make them feel crappy so they'd work harder.

Which, GOOD. Nobody should want that.

But that's not demanding. That's demeaning. VERY DIFFERENT.

So let's define terms:

Demeaning is trying to make someone feel BAD to get more performance out of them. Shame, comparison, guilt trips, public embarrassment. It pushes people away from punishment instead of toward a goal.

Demanding is holding someone to a high standard BECAUSE you believe they can hit it. You remind them of their goals, of who they said they wanted to become, and you refuse to accept less than what they're capable of.

For example:

Demeaning: "This is sloppy. I expected more from someone at your level."

Demanding: "This isn't at the standard I know you can hit. What would it take to get it there by Friday?"

Both are direct and refuse to accept the work as-is. Only one leaves the person feeling more empowered, not less.

Now here's the part I want you to sit with, because it's the part that changed MY leadership.

One of the biggest unlocks in my career was realizing I needed to be MORE demanding, not less. Because I finally understood why people wanted to work with me in the first place: they wanted to build the same skills I had.

And how did I get those skills? People/circumstances/environment put demands on ME. 

I put demands on myself.

So if I wasn't demanding of the people around me, and didn't pair it with support, I was guaranteeing they would NEVER get the skills they came here to build.

Being ‘un-demanding’ isn't kindness. It's robbing people of the growth they signed up for.

The laissez-faire leader feels nice to work for... for about six months. Then their best people look up, realize they haven't grown, and leave to find someone who will actually push them.

A few ways to check yourself this week:

1. Find the standard you accidentally lowered. Somewhere on your team there's a deadline, a quality bar, or a behavior you stopped enforcing because holding it felt uncomfortable. FIND IT.

2. Attach the demand to THEIR goal, not your frustration. "I need this done right" is about you. "You told me you want to lead a team someday - this is the work that gets you there" is about them.

3. Check the feeling you're creating. After a hard conversation, ask: “Does this person feel capable and challenged, or small and scared?”

Challenged people accelerate. Scared people hide mistakes.

If you hinge toward laissez-faire, this is your reminder: your job is to be demanding. It's just not to be demeaning. We make people feel GOOD and push them toward their goals.  We don't make them feel bad, so they run from punishment.

This week, pick the one person on your team you've been going easiest on. Ask yourself honestly whether that ease is serving them or your comfort. Then have the demanding conversation you've been avoiding.

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