[INTERNAL MEMO]
Team,
We need to talk about feedback.
People hurt people's feelings by giving feedback because they're not actually giving feedback. They're actually just insulting somebody.
If you guys have watched Selling Sunset, there's this scene where Mary is talking to Christine and she's like, "Dude, you just like need to stop." And Christine's like, "What am I doing?" And Mary goes, "You're just being a bitch."
That's not feedback. That's an insult.
Here's the difference:
An insult is when you compare somebody to something that's negative. Feedback is informing them of a discrepancy between where they are and the ideal.
What Mary could have said if she wanted to give actual feedback: "You said X, Y, and Z to the team. Next time, I think it would be great if you said X, Y, and Z instead."
The formula is simple: "I observed you do X, next time do Y."
That's it.
Examples of insults disguised as feedback:
"You're being difficult"
"You're not a team player"
"You need to get your shit together"
"You're dropping the ball"
Examples of actual feedback:
"I noticed you interrupted Sarah three times in the meeting. Next time, let her finish her thought before responding."
"You sent that client email without the pricing attachment. Next time, double-check all attachments before hitting send."
"You came to the standup without your numbers prepared. Next time, have them ready before the meeting starts."
See the difference?
One makes people defensive. The other makes people better.
When you give someone an insult, they have to defend their character. When you give someone feedback, they just have to change a behavior.
Here's what I need from all of you:
Before you give "feedback" this week, ask yourself:
Am I describing what I observed, or am I labeling the person?
Am I telling them what TO do next time, or just what NOT to do?
Would I want to receive this feedback the way I'm about to deliver it?
If you can't articulate what you observed and what you want instead, you're not ready to give feedback. You're just venting.
And venting at someone isn't feedback. It's just being an asshole with extra steps.
Try this framework this week. Watch how differently people respond when you tell them what to DO instead of who they ARE.
The goal isn't to avoid hard conversations. The goal is to have them in a way that actually creates change.
"I observed you do X, next time do Y."
Have a great week, let’s kick a$$ 🙏🏼
-Leila
